Reflections on 2020

The ‘word’ I set for the year was IDGAF (I don’t give a f*ck).  I was articulating my intention to live authentically and do the right things – regardless of what people thought.  A tangible example is taking my  dog Duke for walks.  Duke has fairly pronounced anxiety that comes out like aggression at times.  It is a problem when we go for a walk.  I have spent a lot of time with a trainer working on this.  One day I saw a lady who was walking her reactive dog across the street from mine.  She got right in front of them to stop them from reacting.  I suddenly recalled that’s what I was supposed to do but wasn’t.  The reason – I didn’t want to get between my dog’s

mouth and the other dog (who was across the street so not actually in danger).

Months before, a vet had recommended I walk Duke with a muzzle.  She pointed me towards a really ethical one.  He can pant easily.  I can give him treats.  He can drink if he needs to.  It looks terrible.  It is not subtle.  It’s a soft plastic so he can’t injure himself but it looks like a cage over his face.  I had trained him to let me put it on but I was allowing what people think to stop me from using the muzzle.  That had to end.  And with it, I needed to let go of other people’s expectations.

Little did I know, that 2020 would help me out with letting go of others’ expectations.  Repeated lockdowns have meant that I spent way more time with just Duke and I.  This year has magnified what is important for all of us.  I let a lot of things go.  I stopped wearing makeup.  I proudly put a muzzle on Duke and take him for a walk.  I advocate for myself and speak my mind when needed.  I call out diet culture when I can.  I don’t let what other people might think dictate my actions.

I can’t honestly say that this year was the worst of my life.  I found my power.  I struggled a lot but I got what I needed to walk through it.  In a yoga class (when they were allowed in the summer) I started thinking about power.  I wanted to find my power.  Shortly after that, someone commented to me that something I had done was bad-ass.  I resisted because it didn’t feel bad-ass at the time.  It was gut-wrenching.

In looking for power, I was trying to find a way around the struggle.  I learned that power is IN the struggle.  Continuing to move forward in spite of everything going on is powerful.  Even if much of that time is spent curling up in a ball, there is power in giving yourself what you need.  The ‘bad-ass’ doesn’t come without a struggle.  That’s what I learned in 2020.